One of my fellow warrior heart sisters posted this quote that she found. It rings so true when you are talking about many chronic illnesses especially CMVD. "Don't feel guilty if you're too sick to do things. You have value simply because you are, even if you cannot be 'productive' in the way to which you were accustomed. Learn to cherish your very existence." This month has been pretty much emergency with hospital stays and surgery and then home for healing. Today is a healing day and this quote was nice to read since laying around is what I have to do when I'm healing.
Before I got sick I was this super active never sit down go go go person. I also have had this quality of being able to understand when its time to sit and look at the sunset, how to enjoy my surroundings at all times. I'm so glad I had that quality before because it helped me when I got sick. It's still a daily challenge to realize though that what I can do just has to be enough. As long as I do what I can do and all that I can do there is no need for me to feel guilty or ashamed that things aren't done. On days that I have to lay in bed this is hard but God willing me laying there will keep my heart beating until my son gets home so I can give him my love and share in his happiness.
My mom is the most gracious hostess she has a clean home and makes sure you feel at home when you are there. This trait was passed down to me. For me now this is a hard thing. I like company I like to visit. My home is generally picked up however I have a dog and yes he sheds so my floor will most likely be flocked in his tiger striped hair. Besides the hair this wont be the normal sit down visit you might be used to. Fair warning if you come to my house you might have to visit with me in my room, I might not be showered but for visitors I'll make sure I'm totally dressed in at least sweats and a T-shirt :) I have bottled water that you can grab on your way in and feel free to rummage for something to snack on. During our conversation I might not talk a lot due to the shortness of breath and chest pain that comes with it. Don't be offended if you say something we both find hilarious and I just smile. Oh how I love a good laugh but it comes with a price just like doing some jumping jacks would get my heart rate up so does a good laugh or cry and that isn't always very pleasant when your vessels slam shut with activity. Also be ready for my, okay, its time to go...I hate saying that but I'm not geared up for the long visits anymore. Those things being said c'mon over, it's something I'm working on. For the longest time I would find excuses to not have people over or meet people at my moms. My home is my home and I shouldn't feel guilty for something I have no control over.
This guilt also comes with being a mom. I have always envisioned the kind of mom I wanted to be. Going to the hills and letting my kids into the world I have learned to love. I do however have many limitations now and when I go out everything is adapted to me, how far I get how long I stay etc. This winter I was so lucky to get to go to the ski hill with my son. Before my diagnoses I did get one blissful winter that I got to take him to the ski hill as often as I wanted. He loved to ski and still does its just different now. This pic I posted today is me and my little guy at the ski hill this year. My great friend and her family rallied around us and gave him the day of his life. Something I cannot give him anymore in that capacity. I sat on the deck and watched as he made his way down and then on his way up the chair we waved like crazy and he would yell how much fun it was.
I might not be able to ski with him like I used to or get the house cleaned like I used to but what I can do has worth and I will continue to seek out my worth. I hope you also realize your worth and dive deeper into and cherish your existence. You don't get any do overs on today so make it count and love yourself for what you can do.