The Truth

Through writing this I hope. I can have some relief. I have been really depressed lately. Even though I'm usually dealing with something physically frustrating and can fight through it with a smile, this time was and is really tough.

It's winter and I love the snow it makes me super happy and giggle like a little girl. I love skiing more than eating. But because of my heart disease I haven't been able to ski since Jan. 12,2017 the first day out.

I thought it was just a bad cycle and the docs were trying hard to figure out what was kicking it off. I went from 175lbs to 208 lbs in about 2 months. That in itself for a woman can be depressing. The doc chalked it up to fluid in my chest, around my heart, lungs and in my arms. Made since because my shirts were looking more like the hulk was wearing them.

I could barely put on a pair of socks without being completely out of breath. My days have been almost strictly bed, bathroom...repeat. To make the depression worse I feel and really felt like a burden to my family who I depended on to help feed me, dress me, wash my hair and even comb it.

Being dependent is tough enough but also some emotional craziness when you are a mother that could do before but cannot do now. My little boy who isn't so little now came down to me on one of our many snow days and told me he is hungry. Even thought I have taught him many things to make or snack on he just wanted me to do it. All I could do was say sorry, I can't.

This week I went to the ER after thinking that my being out of breath and so lethargic was not all in my head. And I was especially tired of missing ski days. When I went to the ER surprise surprise I had a fever my potassium was low and I had a not so nice infection. A bag of fluids, a bag of potassium (the big one), a prescription for the infection and blood cultures to see where the infection was headed. I can now walk to the bathroom and halfway back. I did indeed dress myself.

My thought today is none of this is my fault, tomorrow will come and it can be better or worse whatever it is that's what I will smile through or smile through tears.

Thank you to all who participated in the 5K heart run this last weekend and please sign up for the 1Kheartchallenge that is going on this whole year! Keep your hearts healthy and happy!